Here is where I strip,

20th birthday at Keppel Bay.

New book cafe we explored!

There are days where a certain thought/issue decides to plant itself in my head. As a result, I spend hours after hours thinking about it. I cannot eat in peace, sleep in peace or even read in peace because this thought refuses to leave. And I have no choice but to set time aside to just think, analyze and generate reasons for it. When I am done, I feel the need to pen it all down. Only then can I get closure.

Today is one of those days.

For years, makeup has fascinated me. I find it extremely intriguing how some powder and black/red substance can transform a face completely. I prowl through Youtube looking for makeup tutorials because not only do I want to learn how to apply makeup, but more importantly, I love seeing the before-after transformation.

While having lunch today, I suddenly wondered why people (in general) always seem to enjoy exposing celebrities without makeup on. Just a few months back, a group shot of SNSD without makeup (and perhaps plastic surgery) went viral on Facebook. I had to admit, I was one of them who chose to share the picture. Comments basically revolved around expressions of shock/surprise and smugness that adopted an “I-told-you-so” attitude.

Finally, the epitome of perfection and beauty… wasn’t that perfect after all! It felt…good.

This then led me to wonder: Why do we even feel good?! What is it about exposing someone without makeup on that leaves us with such a sweet taste in our mouth? 

At that point in time, I still didn’t have an answer.

I shifted my thoughts to myself. Whenever a guy points out to me that a certain girl looks good, I will immediately give him my standard response. 

“Makeup what. Without her makeup, you see whether she still looks as good. Definitely not.” 

At this point in time, it would be necessary to mention that there are people out there who look as good with or without makeup. Those are the ones who are bestowed with natural beauty. However, I believe these are the privileged minority. For the majority out there, makeup still serves as the transition between average and beautiful.

Why do we harbor such… dislike towards people with thick makeup on? Why do we find it necessary to point out that it is precisely because of makeup that they are able to look good? Why is the paparazzi obsessed and bent on snapping pictures of celebrities without makeup and exposing their bare faces to the world? Why are comments left on websites of famous bloggers in Singapore always revolving around the fact that they can only look good with makeup, and often challenging them to show their bare face to the world? Why?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

The answer finally came to me in the most… unexpected moment. It literally flew into my head when I was lying on the sofa reading…Qiuqiu’s blog. -____-

“It is to make us feel better about ourselves.”

Omg. Such a simple explanation. Why didn’t it come to me earlier?!

No wonder we constantly criticize people with thick makeup on. No wonder we refuse to acknowledge the “beauty” that makeup promises. No wonder. No wonder the media plays upon this very idea and expose people without makeup on. It is to feed our insecurities, to feed our desire to feel better about ourselves. No wonder we feel intimidated by women who look beautiful in makeup, because they threaten our sense of self-worth. And hence, anger and hatred arise. “Artificial beauty,” we say with scorn. And this is also society in general cannot seem to accept plastic surgery.

After establishing a reason for my questions, my mind still refused to let go. I started wondering why we couldn’t accept young teens wearing makeup. No one ever said that 14-year-olds couldn’t put on makeup. No one said so, but somehow it feels wrong when we see a young teen with thick mascara, heavily lined eyes and foundation so thick one cannot help but wonder how the girl looks like beneath all that powder. I admit that I am a victim of judging young girls with makeup on.

“Wth so young wear so much makeup for what?”

Besides the fact that I am extremely inclined to think that natural beauty is the   best and that these teens should be focusing on their studies and worry about looking good later (just my thinking, not saying that they can’t), I stumbled upon another realization.

Selfishness.

We (I say we because I believe many feel the same way) find ways to maintain our superiority over these teens. We seek methods to ensure and to remind the people around us that we adults (from a 20-year-old point of view, I can safely say that I am an adult) have, in a sense, “power” over these teens. We selfishly refuse to share what we think belongs to the adults. In this case, we use makeup to maintain this exclusivity. Make up serves to maintain the teen-adult dichotomy, one that is mutually exclusive without any overlaps. However, when this dichotomy is threatened, (the only reason I can think of is that kids are maturing faster than ever and experiment with make up starts at a much earlier age than before. Of course, pop culture plays a part too!), we scramble to maintain this “power” relationship between the adult and the young teen.

How do we do so, then? Simple. We begin to judge and frown upon young teens that experiment with make up. We say that is should not be the case, that they are young and should embrace their natural beauty. We judge, judge and judge, simply because we find it difficult to share something that we often associate with the adult world.  Such thinking happen because we are inherently selfish creatures.

Ok. I have said everything that I have wanted to say. I cannot go on anymore. I am exhausted. It feels as if I have just wrote a... 10,000 word essay. I am too tired to scan through this blogpost and check for grammatical/spelling errors so please forgive me you grammar nazis out there...

I find it funny how everyone is going "Summer time!" on Facebook because exams have ended. And I also find it funny how our three month break is called the "Summer break," because... isn't it 24/7 summer here in Singapore? But I choose to go with the flow and hence...

IT'S SUMMER TIME!!!

Finally. After cooping myself up in the room for around 2 weeks just to study. I think this is the hardest I have worked in my entire life. Determination, anger (with myself for not achieving the results I would have liked to obtain in my first semester), perseverance and just that bit of pride (to prove that I can do it because I know that I can) got me through this semester, ending my freshman year at NUS with a...bang. Ok, it wasn't really a bang, because I didn't feel particularly excited or ecstatic when the exams were over. Part of me feels glad that the long-awaited and well-deserved break has finally arrived. The other part of me feels fearful and worried because:

1) One year in NUS flew by just like that. I am going to move on to Year 2 in 3 months time. Time flies and before I know it, I would have graduated. Did I mention that I am already...20?!

2) The burden is on me to find a job and support the family in ways that I can and honestly I do not feel up to it because I feel inadequate.

Job worries aside, I feel that this will be a good time to reflect on the my year 1 sem 2. The bidding process for this semester was hell. I didn't get most of the mods I want and had to settle for modules that I didn't expect to enjoy or like. However, life is funny. The mod that I chose and successfully got allocated to saw me hating the hell out of it. On the other hand, the mod that I opted for as my last resort saw me enjoying it tremendously. 

I don't know why but life always has its ways of dealing with me. It gives me things I completely do not want and takes away the things that I want. Some call it a blessing in disguise. Perhaps, but for once, I would really like for some stability and consistency in my life, please.

Overall, sem 2 went well. I enjoyed the modules I took (except for that one hell of a fluff ball mod) and learning was never this interesting. I gave everything I had and now, I can only pray and hope that my results will do me justice.

For now, its time for movies, shopping, dates, exercise and the many many more on my to-do list!

Every Sunday morning is a huge struggle.

I struggle to get out of bed, struggle to find something decent to wear, complain about the time (too early), complain about public transport, and head to church feeling like the grouchiest shit on earth.

Irritation turns to guilt, and guilt evolves into.... Peace. There's this inexplicable sense of peace and joy I experience when I'm in church. I can't explain it. And that's what keeps me going back every single week.

By the time church ends, I feel tired. But rejuvenated. Sounds like an oxymoron but I guess to put it simply, I feel tired physically, but mentally, I feel refreshed and ready to take on the week.

Today a little girl who was around 6-7 years old whispered in my ear during breaking of bread.

"你的爸爸好好吗?"

Wow.... I don't even know what to say. I was touched/surprised and...thankful.

Thankful that now and then, God places little pockets of joy in my life to keep me going. Small gesture, but meant the world to me.

Maybe she's just asking for the sake of asking, or maybe she didn't really mean it.

Whatever the case, I will choose to see it in a positive light this time. God bless her parents, whoever they are.

Do you see what I see?

That's for not bothering to wash my face properly before I go to sleep every morning.